Good Grief
I missed Arbor Day this year. Is it even a thing anymore? I'm not clued in to all things
environmental, although for the record, I believe we should be good stewards of all God's
creation. Arbor Day, which I read is always the last Friday in April, is a thing for me, because it
was one of the holidays I got to see Snoopy! Did you grow up waiting for Halloween, and
Thanksgiving, Christmas, and yes, Arbor Day just so you could see a Charlie Brown special?
The DVD revolution and now the streaming revolution means we don't have to wait anymore
for Arbor Day or any other special occasion, but I still make time every holiday when the
networks trot out Charlie Brown and the Gang.
Charlie Brown's catch phrase is "Good grief!" Since I talked about visiting grief last week, I
wanted to take another look at it. Typically, when we talk about grief, there's no "good" about it
- it's why Charlie Brown uses the phrase to express everything from disappointment, to disdain,
to depression.
Did you know? we are always grieving. In big ways and small ways. I grieve when I lose my
favorite pen!! I grieved when Leroy Jethro Gibbs left NCIS. And I grieve when the seasons
change, and when I experience setbacks in business or finances or ministry as well as more
debilitating losses of loved ones who pass away.
As people of God, we are not exempt from pain and grief! Divorce, loss of a job, loss of a
friendship, someone moves away, you get hurt at church.... all reasons we grieve. We handle
them differently, of course, the big griefs and small ones. The difference is how quickly we
move through the grief cycle.
One of my favorite verses is Romans 8:19: I like how the Passion Translation expresses it.
The entire universe is standing on tiptoe, yearning to see the unveiling of God's glorious sons
and daughters!
Creation waits in eager expectation for the sons and daughters of God to be revealed.
Romans 8:19 NIV
Paul wrote these words in response to suffering, just after he assured us we'd been adopted as
children of God our Father, Abba our daddy, and just before he assures us that the Holy Spirit
helps us in our weakness, and intercedes for us in groans when words are not enough. It's also
before Paul reminds us that all things work together for the good of those who love God and are
called according to His purpose.
In all the big ways and small ways that we grieve, I want us to be mindful that people are on
tiptoe, eagerly awaiting the sons and daughters of God to be revealed.
And I believe people will see the love of Jesus if we both grieve well and comfort well those
who grieve. "The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are
the afflictions of the righteous, but the LORD delivers him out of them all." Psalm 34: 18-19
I know you have heard the Stoic philosopher Epictetus quote: "It's not what happens to you, but
how you react to it that matters." I think everyone from Adrian, who recorded Epictetus's words
a few decades after Jesus's resurrection, to Zig Zigler has included the quote in their personal
development portfolio. So whether it's the loss of your favorite pen-those who know me know
I'm a pen snob, so that's really a thing! - or the end of a series you love, or the sight of Lucy
pulling the football away from Charlie Brown yet again, or the bigger, more devastating losses,
our reactions matter.
I mentioned last week that we made a decision to grieve well. What does grieving well look
like? When it comes to our emotions, we tend to think that we don't have control. We feel what
we feel, right? Any other emotion-anger, frustration, passion, excitement, love-we see the
value of exercising control to enable us to make better decisions, to preserve relationships, to
prevent impulses that might not serve us well.
I think the same is true of grief. I can be devastated about a business loss, or a relationship
change, and in my grief I come home to kick the dog, yell at my spouse, and break my
mother's hand-me-down china-all of which are possible responses during the different stages
of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance-or instead, recognize my
emotions and the stage of my grief, and decide not to be overcome by what I feel, not to lash
out in ways that multiply my pain. That is grieving well.
A decision to grieve well doesn't mean you deny your feelings or pretend that it doesn't hurt,
but that you don't add to your grief by more grievous actions or responses to what you feel.
I think we can help others grieve well by how we respond when they experience a loss.
How do we comfort those who are grieving? Here are ten ways to console the people you love
who may be grieving. You might call this "good grief."
1. Grief is inconvenient and awkward. Roll with it. Don't stay away because you don't
know what to say or what to do (more about that in a moment).
2. Be gentle and be aware of what you say and how you say it. As we prepared to bury Sam,
a person in charge of the cemetery commented rather rudely that it was Memorial Day
Weekend, the nearby church would have things going on, and it wasn't gonna be easy to
get the grave dug. I don't think she meant to be heartless, but it landed at my feet in a
combative way. In one of my snarkier moments, I commented that I was sorry that Sam
couldn't have died at a more convenient time. Yikes, right!? A gentle word turns away
wrath.
Maybe the loss someone is experiencing isn't that big a deal to you. We never got
attached to pets growing up, so we didn't grieve much when a dog or cat passed away. I
can imagine the hurt if I said, "Good grief! It's only a stupid pet!" The Lord is close to
the brokenhearted. You don't have to understand; you just need to be a Kingdom
representative, a detachment from the throne of God for the hurting.
3. You do NOT know how they feel even if your loss is similar. Your divorce, or job loss,
or financial woes may seem similar, but you do not know how someone feels. A sweet
friend lost her son a few months after Sam passed away. Her son died of a heroin
overdose on Thanksgiving day. I don't understand that pain at all.
4. It is NOT a competition. Have you every started sharing a story of loss and someone
comes along to say, "Oh that's nothing! You know what happened to me!?!" Be careful
how you share your story when someone else is grieving. It may feel like you're trying to
empathize to YOU; it may feel like you're trying to compare to THEM.
5. They most likely will NOT ask for anything. Most of us don't ask for help much, do we?
Take initiative when you can. Some ladies came when Sam passed away and asked where
I kept the pledge and dust rags, and off they went to tidy up. I just opened the last roll of
aluminum foil that friends brought as part of grief groceries. 13 years later, and I still had
supplies brought to me by friends. Those little acts of service and kindness add up.
6. Be there. You don't have to entertain, or be "up" for someone who is grieving. Just sit.
Yes. Awkward. But comforting. During our sorrow, friends came and just sat with us.
When I mentioned I was tired and going to bed, they hugged me and saw themselves out,
then returned the next day. Present, but not intrusive.
7. Do NOT use trite words of comfort.... "They are in a better place." "God needed an
angel." (That one makes me vomit a little in my mouth.) "You wouldn't bring them back,
would you?" To which I responded, "YES. In a New York Minute." Or "God has a plan"
or "these things happen for a reason." It's better to say, "I'm here for you." "Would you
like to talk?" "How can I help?" or say nothing at all. A clasping of the hands, a hug,
empathetic tears speak volumes.
8. Ask for stories. Fun days? Vacations? Jokes? One of my favorite questions is "What is
one of your best memories?" "What was he/she like when they were
little/younger/working?" Or for other kinds of loss... "What is one thing you learned that
you can take with you?"
9. Give people time, but notice if they remain in the Grief Thought Spiral over long. They
may need help/support. People get stuck in stages of grief. If you see them spiraling,
suggest they talk with someone: A counselor, pastor, coach, friend.
10. Grief Recovery can take the form of facing unresolved issues. If you have
relationship/closeness, you can ask healing questions: What would you do differently?
What would you like to say to .....? What do you wish had been different? How does your
future look different?
As I process these ideas to share with you, I can't help but think of Lucy and her psychiatrist
stand, letting Charlie Brown know, "the Doctor is in." I'm no doctor or professional grief
counselor. I can only suggest what I have observed through loss of my own and among friends
and family. I keep in mind that image of all creation waiting in eager expectation-holding their
breath, on tiptoe-to see the sons and daughters of God revealed...to experience the love of a
Heavenly Father through us.
I pray that in our grief-both as ones who experience loss and who comfort others-we reveal
the truth of Jesus and His love which, as Paul wrote, bears all things, believes all things, hopes
all things.
Father,
Thank you that we do not grieve as those who have no hope. Thank you that You are
acquainted with our sorrow, and that Jesus was tempted in every way that we are-tempted to
despair, to give up, to not trust-but without sin. I pray for Your comfort, that You are a
tangible Presence for those who grieve and that we represent Your throne well as we become
Your hands and feet to hurting people.
I pray that everyone around me that is on tiptoe, holding their breath, will see You revealed
through me, as I learn from and apprentice with Jesus. In His sweet name I pray, Amen.
