Grief Visited
If you follow Talk & Pray for Life and Business, you may have noticed I didn't do a podcast
last week. Usually, I'm chomping at the bit... even if sometimes my "inspiration" comes at 10
o'clock at night and I'm recording, editing, and uploading well past midnight on Monday into
Tuesday when new episodes drop. One of the virtues I'm constantly working on is
consistency.... constantly working/consistency (see what I did there?). Last week was just one
of those weeks when I felt busy but couldn't really put my finger on anything I actually
accomplished. Do you know the feeling?
Can I just tell you... when that happens to me, and I think this is probably universal, there's a
good probability that something else is going on in my mind or heart. Stress, worry, some
trigger that hijacks productivity or mindset.
When Monday came and went, and I felt no compulsion to write or create, and retreated into an
old pattern of prime video and Netflix binging (side bar - this die-hard Law & Order gal found
Dick Wolf's FBI a little too intense, but Suits has captured my attention!), I knew something
was off.
We'd been waiting for a financial situation to resolve, and that had happened, so that was not
the source of my angst. Family is all feeling great, doing well, so no worries there. Early
Thursday morning, I got a text from a dear family friend... just three little words. "You are
loved." Oh. Now I know why I was out of sorts.
Thursday marked the 13th anniversary of our son Sam's death. I shared a bit about Sam earlier
this year in Episode 24: "Another Day in the Life." Like his birthday in January, his home-
going date in May often sneaks up on me. It's not that I don't remember, exactly... but I can
look back over the last 13 years and see the pattern... Januarys and Mays are often my least
productive months of the year. It's not conscious, just like an underlying sense of sadness, or
ennui that creates a fog in my psyche.
Neuroscience has found that life experiences get embedded in us at a cellular level; literally, we
transform our DNA through life experience. If trauma is experienced at an early age, it can be
transferred genetically... isn't that fascinating? It's not just neuroplasticity-the ability of the
brain to synthesize new neural processes, and to create new pathways-but transformation.
Kinda makes sense when the Apostle Paul says that an encounter with the grace of God in
Christ transforms us into a new creation.
So when bad things happen, we are changed, subtly, perhaps, but internally our bodies and
brains are affected by loss. I think my brain is aware of the dates, even if I'm not consciously
tracking them. Sam's birth, his death. It's in my DNA now, like the way I wipe my mouth with
the heel of my hand the way my daddy did without ever being aware of it.
The day that Sam died, God gave our family a scripture passage to guide us through the grief
process.
1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 NIV
13 Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so
that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. 14 For we believe that Jesus
died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen
asleep in him. 15 According to the Lord's word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are
left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16 For
the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the
archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17 After that,
we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the
Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 18 Therefore encourage one
another with these words.
We honed in on the "we do not grieve as those who have no hope" and made a decision as a
family to walk what we talk. If we truly believed God, we could trust Him with both the life and
death of our son. This, too, became embedded in our cells... Sam's passing could become a
stopping point, a trauma-induced freeze, or we could move forward in faith, changed, but as
Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians, "We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not
driven to despair; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;" (v 8-9).
How did we grieve well?
1. We decided to grieve well. As a believer, God reveals His strength through our weakness.
We mourned, deeply, but we did not despair. We leaned into the hope we have in Christ.
2. We became faith detectives. Faith is substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things
not seen. Heb 11:1. We looked for evidence that God was at work. We found it in the
number of people who were impacted by Sam's life and homegoing, in the growth of our
other children as we navigated loss, and in the people who told us our hope inspired
theirs.
3. We didn't expect to "get over it." A quote from St. Bono goes like this: "There is no end
to grief because there is no end to love."
In the dozen plus years since Sam died, we have visited our grief, but we don't live there.
Missing Sam is a short pitstop, not a consuming residency. When grief comes on "little cat feet"
(sometimes soft and gentle, other times with claws), we entertain it for a short time, moving
quickly through the grief cycle, before getting up, washing our faces, and returning to worship
as King David did in 2 Samuel 12.
Here are 5 strategies that help us Grieve with FOCUS.
F - is for Feelings.
Feel ALL the feels and acknowledge your pain. Name it. I allow myself to feel every stage of
grief and grieve every part of my loss: Sam's presence, his future accomplishments, future
grandchildren, our shared life. But I also choose to control my thought life when the "Why?
How? When? What if?" Grief Spiral became oppressive. Bottling your feelings up can damage
you physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Feel ALL the feels, but recognize the
oppressive Grief Thought Spiral and push back.
O - is for Others
In the book Deep Survivor by Laurence Gonzales, he notes that one of the keys to surviving
through tragedy is to focus on others. Scientific studies confirm his theory! Whether navigating
a life-threatening situation or overcoming debilitating grief, caring for others is one key to
survival. Find a way to focus on caring for someone or something else-a person, a pet, a plant,
a project-as you grieve. For me, it was the two children and spouse that were still here. They
needed me. I needed them.
C - is for Catalyst
Loss can be a catalyst for change. What are new skills you can develop? What project can be
completed? What change can you make that is long overdue? I started a new part-time career,
and did it to honor Sam. I fueled my efforts to succeed with his memory. Grief counselors often
say BIG decisions should not be made in the first year of your grief, but small steps or small
changes can help ease you through the transition to a different status quo as you mourn your
loss.
U - is for Unlock
Unlock your body's natural healing. One way to do that is to MOVE. My mother battled
depression most of her life, and her number one treatment was physical labor. She literally
worked out her feelings... digging potatoes, push-mowing her grass, or hanging laundry on the
line, well into her 70's. As children we rolled our eyes. Later learning about endorphins, I knew
she was on to something. I walked, and worked, and felt better. Other healing strategies we
unlocked include humor, hospitality, and hope.
S -is for Support
Grief is worse in isolation. Surround yourself with people who will support you, people who
aren't afraid to name your loss (So many people were afraid to say Sam's name, but I felt closer
to him when they talked about him and their memories. I needed to hear his name), but also
didn't encourage me to wallow in my despair. Join a support group. See a pastor, coach,
counselor or therapist. Your support network will help you through the hard days.
On days like today, when I am conscious of Sam's absence, I'm grateful for the reminder from
my friend, Pat. "You are loved," she reminds me each May. I am not alone. I grieve, even now,
but I have hope. It's OK if I retreat a little from time to time, feeling the feels, but remembering
with joy and hope and humor and love that never ends. I do not dwell in my grief... instead like
Moses of old, in Psalm 90, I pray
Lord, you have been our dwelling place in all generations. Before the mountains were brought
forth, or ever you had formed the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are
God. You return man to dust and say, "Return, O children of man!" For a thousand years in
your sight are but as yesterday when it is past, or as a watch in the night. (v 1-4)
Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our
day Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us, and for as many years as we have
seen evil. Let your work be shown to your servants, and your glorious power to their children.
Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us, and establish the work of our hands upon us; yes,
establish the work of our hands! (v 14-17)
Father,
"Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will
say of You, Lord, "You are my refuge and my fortress, my God, in Whom I trust." Psalm 91:1-
2. Thank you, Father, for being a refuge and fortress for our darkest days, when grief and pain
try to overwhelm us and drag us under.
Thank you for the promise of eternal life, and that this life is not all there is. Help us be mindful
that we are living this day for that day when you will return, and we don't know, yet, what we
will be but we know that we will see Jesus as He is, and we will be like him.
I thank you, Father, that you are acquainted with grief and close to the brokenhearted. Help us
abide in you, feel Your presence, know fully Your love, and that our present affliction pales in
comparison with the glory that is to come.
In Jesus's name, Amen.
If you'd like a PDF copy of Grieving with FOCUS: 5 Strategies for Dealing with Significant
Loss, go to talkandpray.us/grief. We'll email you a copy, and feel free to share the link with
anyone you know who may be grieving. If you or someone you love needs further coaching
through a period of grief, reach out at [email protected].
Some of the neuroscience I talked about can be further explained by Dr. Caroline Leaf. In the
show notes, I've linked the first of four YouTube videos of her talk on "How to Detox Your
Brain." Amazing information!!
I've also linked the book, Deep Survival: Who Lives, Who Dies, and Why by Laurence
Gonzales. It's one of my favorites, and was especially interesting to listen to on audio. The
stories the author shares are incredible.
I've also shared the link to Episode 24 in which I talked more about our Sam and the blog he
created. He was extraordinary, and just our Sam. I can't wait for you to meet him.
